Armageddon It (Jesus is Coming, Start Looting vol. 2)

By: Dave Rine
By: Dave Rine


The Bible, as any Stryper fan can tell you, is metal as hell.
Don’t believe me? Try this on for size:
“And I saw an angel standing in the sun, who cried in a loud voice to all the birds flying in midair, ‘Come, gather together for the great supper of God, so that you may eat the flesh of kings, generals and mighty men, of horses and their riders, and the flesh of all people, free and slave, small and great.’”
That’s Revelation 19:17. It comes right before Jesus, that lily-white, blue-eyed hippie from the Sunday school brochures, comes down from heaven at the Battle of Armageddon and just slaughters everybody. And he doesn’t do it alone. When Jesus appears, a few verses earlier, riding a white horse and, “dressed in a robe dipped in blood,” (insert devil horns emoticon) he is rolling deep. As verse 14 states, “The armies of heaven were following him, riding on white horses and dressed in fine linen.”
When I was in junior high I would dream of someday being a part of that doomsday army. When the rednecks and the rural Ohio 90210 wannabes would be on my case, spitting through their teeth at me like milk snakes and calling me faggot in the hallway, I would fade it all, mutter prayers over my Aldi bag lunch, and face the world with zen tranquility knowing that someday I would get to mob down from heaven with Jesus Christ Almighty at my side and we would roll on all those nonbelievers and wallop their heads off like dandelion tops. And I’d do it all in blazing white, just as clean as Easter Sunday.
I even wanted to write a comic about it someday. I thought it would make people want to become Christians.
Of course, fantasies of apocalyptic violence are not strictly the domain of socially stunted Baptist adolescents. The propaganda magazine for the Islamic Caliphate (IS, ISIS, Daesh, whatever you like to call them) is called Dabiq. Dabiq is basically Islamic for Armageddon. It’s the name of the town in Syria where the end-of-the-world battle is supposed to be fought, according to Islam. So ISIS wants the end of the world too. They too dream of a new order, baptized in blood and sustained by the terrible wrath of Abraham’s god.
But where my rage against the nonbelievers was fed by a dismal home life and social exclusion at the hands of the jocks and hillbillies in America’s breadbasket, theirs was fed by imperial invasion and civil war. They grew up, shocked and in awe, watching their cities get bombed into rubble as their nations crumbled into sectarian bloodletting. Where I prayed for death in the abstract, these black clad millennials from the other side of the world say their prayers with M-16s, lashing out with honest to god brutal murder because death is all they’ve ever known. They were, as the old storyteller would have it, born and bred in the briar patch.
Every time our terrorist enemies attack, taking apocalyptic violence out of the sandy hellhole of the Middle East, where it’s supposed to occur and misplacing it in places like Paris and Brussels, where well-dressed white people are supposed to chill out drinking artisan coffee and pounding strange, we Americans cry out for revenge. And Christians are the worst about it.
Don’t get me wrong. The supposedly rational, erudite, “New Atheists” are likewise quick to pick up the call for murderous revenge against the dark, unthinking Muslim hordes who threaten enlightened Western civilization, eager to prove that atheists can be just as bloodthirsty and nihilistic as any Spanish Inquisitor. But for sheer hyperbolic war-mongering, you flat-out can’t beat an American Christian venting to Facebook after a terrorist attack. It’s as if, on some level, Christians are haunted by the fact that the alleged founder of their religion, the homeless country rabbi who they supposedly regard as God-on-earth, made some pretty irresponsibly pacifistic statements (admonishing his followers to “turn the other cheek,” or whatever the hell), and they want to make it crystal clear that they are NOT about that life. “Forget that mess about turning the other cheek,” the followers of Jesus declare. Their philosophy was more accurately stated by Raekwon from the Wu-Tang Clan when he said, “Yo, nigga, respect mine, or anger the tech nine.” Turns out, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God” was just a folksy, Aramaic way of saying, “Bomb the fuckers into chalk dust and kill their kids so there won’t be any more terrorists.” Peace through indiscriminate slaughter. Like we needed the Son of God to help us come up with that idea.
And now I, too, run the risk of misrepresenting myself. I have begun to talk like one of the porridge-headed cheek-turners who thinks we should all “be the change” and let our tits hang out and kumbaya our way to a better world where life is a big Phish concert that never ends. Any time I suggest that we respond to terror attacks by doing something other than roto-tillering the Islamic world with cluster bombs, people mistakenly assume that I am advocating for nonviolence. This, we are told, is a clash of civilizations, and our enemies don’t share our qualms about killing the innocent. They don’t worship a dead hippie, and they don’t listen to Bob Marley. They speak in gun blasts and peroxide bombs, so we better be ready to answer back in kind.
Bellicose rhetoric, it seems, is the order of the day. And I am happy to engage in some.
But first I have to into question some of the assumptions we commonly make when these sticky issues of violence come up. We assume, for instance, that “our” religion is a peace-loving one and that “our” civilization is morally opposed to slaughtering innocent civilians. These assumptions are lies.
Though Christianity is theoretically rooted in the worship of a masochistic godman who is quoted as having taught some things that sound militantly pacifistic when computer animated vegetables sing songs about them for little kids, the only reason we know about wishy-washy old JC at all is that a bunch of his followers murdered the shit out of anyone who disagreed with them for hundreds of years. The Christian religion spread across Europe mainly through the actions of emperors like Constantine and Charlemagne, who used the religion to make better subjects of the pagans who they conquered with their armies. You can hang Jesus on a tree for all the good his half-hearted talk of nonviolence did for his emissaries here on earth; Christians had nearly a thousand years of brutal conquest under their belts before they even got to the Crusades. The Crusades against the Muslims and the pogroms against the Jews got so bad that, in 1492, the Islamic Sultans had to organize a flotilla and provide safe haven in the Middle East for thousands of Jews who the Christian Church in Spain was busily working to exterminate. So Christianity also had a few hundred years of crusading on its resume before they even started wiping out the American Indians, or enslaving millions of Africans, or opening the markets of Asia with muskets and gunboats. And all that stuff was well underway even before the Protestants and Catholics started offing each other. Christianity as we know it comes to us crusted with two thousand years of innocent blood.
Now to disprove the notion that the American Empire is somehow adverse to murdering civilians in its pursuit of global hegemony, I need not reach nearly so far back into our history. It was scarcely more than a decade ago that our nation’s military invaded the countries of Iraq and Afghanistan. I was just a wallet-chain wearing, green-haired punk kid then, and while I was in the streets with my peacenik friends waving “Drop Bush Not Bombs” banners and trying to start fights with the cops, everyone around us, liberal Democrats included, told us we were being unrealistic. Our ideals didn’t reflect the reality of the world around us, we were told. You can’t fight terrorism with peace. Grow up.
Meanwhile, the sober and realistic adults, the battle-hardened experts in military planning, were making a real difference. In their prosaic wisdom, the masters of war leveled Bagdad and turned cities like Fallujah into outposts of hell. I recall once being told that civilians killed in the bombing of Bagdad “should have left town,” something no one would ever suggest about victims of terrorism in Paris. After invading Iraq, the mature scions of realpolitik thought it would be a bang up job to secure their own power amongst the shambles they had made of that country by turning the various Iraqi religious sects against each other. They knew that this policy would have the likely result of inciting a civil war, and encouraging infiltration by foreign terrorists and militants, and they did it anyway. And, what do you know, Iraq became a haven for Al-Quaeda and the various groups that have now morphed into the Islamic Caliphate. This was part of the prank that our self-important, drone-bombing bureaucrats had been working all along. Bazinga.
And that’s only a small snippet from the montage of unaccountable slaughter that our Empire has been responsible for. To really understand the scope of it, you have to look beyond the million or so dead in Iraq, the hundreds of thousands killed in Afghanistan, and the unnumbered, unnamed people left dead from drone attacks in countries we were never even at war with. You have to consider the victims of proxy wars in Latin America, and the many dictatorial regimes that served as puppets for US business. You have to consider the millions of civilians killed in Vietnam. Sure, think about the Native Americans and the people of the Philippines that our Empire mowed down in its early days, but also think about this: The nation of China is now beginning to do what the United States has done for decades, setting up military bases outside of its own borders, even as our own leaders speak of a “pivot to Asia” in terms of our strategic military priorities. This pivot to a new theater of conflict comes as the horrific violence of the Caliphate makes it clear that the shitstorm of violence we’ve unleashed in the Middle East is not going to abate any time soon.
“Chillax, guys, we got this,” our mature and sagacious leaders tell us as they plunge into conflict wherever markets for US capital are threatened, wielding the most horrendously destructive military force in the history of the human race. It’s the government’s job to keep capitalism going. All we have to do is kill, and die, and pay for everything.
So sorry, Jesus Christ, but nobody’s bought that “love thy neighbor” crap for two thousand years, and it’s time to pack it in. We all read to the end of the book and we figured out you were going to kill everybody anyway, so what the hell? But if violence and apocalypse are indeed the only ways we can be satisfied, I for one would like to suggest we channel our bloodthirsty rage in a more productive direction.


I say we unfurl our wrath at the people who led us down this path. All the politicians who marshalled the armies and the businesses that profit because of this global empire, how about we tear into them like the Army of God? No more hiding behind the valor of our professional fighting men, it’s time we take matters into our own hands. I mean tying all of our leaders onto flatbed trucks and driving a cross-country tour where we let every kid in America beat on them with a spiked bat. Why keep sending our brothers and sisters off to blow up hapless yokels on the other side of the planet, when the people responsible for all of this death are right here in the States, living in nicer houses than we can afford? Let’s send the Predator drones to their estates and their penthouses and let the terrifying thunder of justice be the last thing they ever hear. If we really believe that bloodshed is the only thing that can make us free, then let it flow and be free at last. If you want violence that bad, go get you some.

When you get down to the heart of it, we don’t love The End of the World because of the killing. It isn’t even the crazy dragon beasts and pillars of flame that really turn us on. What we truly love about the apocalypse is the promise of a better world. What we long for is not Armageddon but the New Jerusalem. That’s the thing we’ve awaited for thousands of years, a new world and a better life.
And we can have it, too, but there’s a catch. In order for the meek to inherit the earth, the beast who owns it now has to die.

Jesus is Coming; Start Looting


By: Dave Rine

This might be hard to believe, but there was a time when I didn’t give a shit about the Bible. That was before I found out the world was about to end.
I remember it like it was the nineties. I remember it like the first time I found a Playboy (which was actually a Penthouse, a mildly frightening disappointment). It was the summer I turned eleven, and as I sat on the living room carpet pretending my stuffed animals could talk, my mom’s second husband was in the kitchen, trying to win my mom back by convincing her that he found Jesus. It was all pretty standard divorced-parent talk, until he got to the part about the Rapture, and the Final Judgement. The world was coming to an end, but that wasn’t all. There was so much more terrifying, awesome shit that was set to go down in the twinkling of an eye. There would be dragons. Mountains would fall flaming from the sky. Massacres, plagues, the mark of the beast, the sun blotted out with blood; this stuff was more exciting than GI Joe, and a hell of a lot more metal than Def Leppard. And unlike GI Joe, all this stuff was supposed to be true.
Hot damn. From that day on, Jack Van Impe and John Hagee became for me what Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees were for normal kids. The Book of Revelation was the ultimate horror kick, because it could all come true at any moment, and if you stayed up late to listen to the really creepy preachers who came on after midnight, you knew it that all of the signs in the bible proved that it was coming soon. The Antichrist was probably already among us. The righteous could be called into the sky this very instant. That first night I went to bed terrified, but by the time I was in junior high and my mom had married a completely unrelated bible thumper, I was unabashedly stoked for the apocalypse. Every day I prayed the Rapture would come before gym class.
And while we all know that the Bible, like Wolverine, is a wonderful book for pubescent psychopaths, I have to confess that I never fully grew out of that phase. There is still that part of me that hopes for the end of the world, that thrills when I see the signs coming to pass. So you can imagine my quiet glee when I checked Twitter the other morning, to see that Sarah Palin had endorsed Donald Trump for president.
So that’s it, right? Time to quit your job and learn how to make gunpowder because the world has had it. Such an obvious and repugnant combination of two such vile political forces can only portend the final coalescence of the Unholy Trinity described in Revelation.
A quick crib here for those of you who may not be apocalyptically bent religious nuts, the Unholy Trinity (like the Holy Trinity, in fact) is not explicitly mentioned in the bible, but is often used by evangelical eschatologists to give their palpably fakakta end times teachings an air of symmetry. Comprised of Satan, The Beast (aka the Antichrist), and the False Prophet, and is best described in Revelation, chapters twelve and thirteen.
Palin, of course, easily fits into the role of the False Prophet, who performs signs and wonders and deceives the people of earth into worshipping the Beast. Throughout her time in the nation spotlight, she has proven herself adroit at spouting brainless platitudes to stir up the fear and hatred in the hearts of all the forlorn and forgotten grannies, church deacons, and Walker, Texas Ranger fans in America who have been arming themselves for civil war. Like John the Revelator’s False Prophet, she is the eager cheerleader for the most violent, hateful and demonic impulses in American politics, shaking her pompoms for Armageddon. With winking, toothy cheer, she extols the doomsday virtues of World War Three, the way the False Prophet displays horns like a lamb and yet speaks like a dragon (Rev. 13:11)
Now, if I am the first person to mention the clear fact that Trump is the Antichrist, it can only be because the left-liberal noise machine has been too busy comparing him to Hitler, Mussolini, Cobra Commander and Yosemite Sam. In the first place, as one of the main duties of the Antichrist in Biblical teleology is to lead the forces of one of the world’s great empires into the battle of Armageddon, it should be noted that the entire Republican presidential field is comprised of eager candidates for the Beast-hood. In every Republican debate, the candidates spend half the night one-upping each other to prove that they are the most turned on by the idea of leaving the Valley of Jehoshaphat coursing with blood. It’s an honest-to-god Antichrist pageant at those debates, and even Hillary Clinton wants to wear that sash.
But Trump does possess certain Antichrist-like attributes that make him stand out from the pack. Not least of these is the fact that Trump already believes himself to be God. Revelation 13:1 describes the Beast arising, “out of the sea,” a phrase which is often taken to mean that the Antichrist will be a gentile, but could also be a reference to Trump’s early rise to prominence in Atlantic City. Perhaps most damning of all, chapter thirteen, verse five states that, “There was given to him a mouth speaking arrogant words and blasphemies,” which is as clear a Donald signifier as if the Bible had said, “There was given to him a hairpiece that looked like rice noodles held on with Scotch tape.”
In Matthew, chapter 24, Jesus tells his disciples that the end will not come until, “you see the Abomination of Desolation… standing in the holy place.” This is one of several verses that lead biblical prophecy buffs to insist that, before The Second Coming, the Jewish Temple will be rebuilt in Jerusalem. Of course, when Trump rebuilds the temple, instead of a place of worship, it will be a gaudy and towering hotel and casino. But what do any of the politicians and would-be antichrists of this late stage of capitalism have to offer us besides that same casino swindle? Nothing but a place to watch the pretty lights and pretend we’ll be rich one day, while we dump the fruit of our toil into some rich kid’s pocket and wait for the bombs to fall, that’s the best anybody can do.
So welcome, brethren, to the new apocalypse, where the war-makers will be called sons of God, the privileged, loudmouthed imbeciles will inherit the earth, and the meek are losers who need to stop their crying. Your Kingdom come; your will be done, on earth as in some fake-ass rap video, because that’s the only heaven we’re still allowed to want.